When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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