i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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