I skipped work to stalk him.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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