kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
These tits shall not be calmed
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
