i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am mentally ready for anal.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
