the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
