Im at strip club and am horny
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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