Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just found puke in my bra..
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
