Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
