Your face is a jimmy john
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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