Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
