Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
