Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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