The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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