I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
