i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
