a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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