My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
