By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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