How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
