What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
