I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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