Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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