Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
