I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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