If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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