the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
