it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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