your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
