if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
