gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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