I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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