My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
