he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
