Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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