Her vagina should come with caution tape.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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