none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
