If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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