Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
