i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
