That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
