I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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