You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
