just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
