Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
