So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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