That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
