Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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