i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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