I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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