Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
