my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
