Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
