I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Boobs are out for the taking
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
