that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
